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reflections from the therapy room

Why it's hard to talk about feelings (even in therapy)

Going blank when someone asks how you feel is common, including in counselling. It's rarely a sign that you're resisting or doing therapy wrong. More often, it's a protective habit learned long ago. This article explores why it happens, why finding words still matters, and gentle ways to begin, at your own pace.

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  • last modified November 9, 2026 4:58 am

There’s a moment I see often in the therapy room after I ask, “And how does that make you feel?”. A heavy pause settles, and the silence stretches. Therapy is meant to be a safe space to talk about feelings, yet many people struggle to open up.

Early in my career, I worried about these pauses. Had I asked the wrong question? Was the client unwilling to engage? Was therapy not working? Now I see them differently. Struggling to put feelings into words is incredibly common, and it’s rarely because someone doesn’t care or is holding back on purpose. More often, a part of them is trying to keep them safe.

The Wisdom in Silence

A part of us may have once learned: “Speaking your feelings is not safe.” The lesson may come from a childhood where emotions were repeatedly brushed aside with: “Stop crying, there’s nothing to be upset about.” It may originate from trauma, when vulnerability once led to pain. And sometimes it’s simply habit, built over years of pushing feelings down to keep life moving.

When those old lessons live in the body, silence can become a reflex. These inner voices can silence emotions before they ever reach words.

Why people shy away from talking about their emotions

  • Beliefs about emotions itself:

Some may believe emotions are a weakness, a waste of time, or even dangerous.

  • Fear of vulnerability:

Opening up means letting someone see the raw, unpolished parts of you. That can feel risky, even with a supportive therapist. 

  • Not wanting to be a burden to others:

Many of us grew up valuing strength, self-reliance, and keeping the peace. In Singapore and across many Asian families, “don’t worry the family,” “just tahan,” or protecting “face” can quietly teach us that our feelings are best kept to ourselves. Those habits often served us well, and they can make it hard to speak up even when we want to.

  • Fear of being consumed by emotion:

The worry of losing control and breaking down.

  • Lack of emotional awareness:

Many of us were never taught words for what we feel. Some people experience alexithymia, a difficulty identifying or describing emotions, often because feelings were never given a language in their environment.

  • Fear of criticism (from self or others):

We may label our feelings “too much,” “too silly,” or “not valid.” Some clients worry that their therapist is quietly thinking, “Your problems aren’t that serious.”

These concerns don’t disappear inside the therapy room. They often sit there with us unspoken. Feelings of shame or guilt, and deeply rooted beliefs about emotions can be powerful barriers.

The examples below are composites, with details changed to protect confidentiality.

A client working through past trauma confessed something many people feel: “I’m scared that if I start crying, I won’t stop.”

One young professional struggling with stress and burnout once told me, “I just don’t have the words. Nothing comes up when you ask.”

Another client seeking help for self-esteem issues whispers “I don’t know” each time the question was posed.

More often than not, I hear “I feel okay” or “I feel fine”

If any of this sounds familiar, if you’ve ever gone blank, hesitated, or worried you were “doing therapy wrong,” I want to reassure you: you are not failing. You are protecting yourself in the best way you know how.

Why Finding Words Still Matters

Avoidance can protect us in the short term. Over time, however, the habitual suppression of emotions can take a toll, and it has been linked with greater stress, anxiety, low mood, emotional numbness, and difficulty feeling close to others. Bottled-up feelings can also create distance in relationships, while openness tends to build trust and intimacy.

A growing number of studies have also shown encouraging news that that labeling feelings can down-regulate distress (Einat Levy-Gigi et al., 2022). hence, naming an emotion, even imperfectly, can take some of its edge off.

So when we speak our feelings, even clumsily, we begin to make sense of them rather than carrying them as unspoken weight.

The Gentle Work of Therapy: Go at Your Own Pace

In therapy, the aim isn’t to force feelings out. It’s to normalise what you’re experiencing, build trust, and create enough safety that you can approach your feelings at a pace that works for you. Over time, people discover that feelings can be spoken, felt, and survived, without catastrophe.

Spoken words are not always the first or easiest way to express emotion. I have worked with some who found it easier to write about what they were feeling between sessions. Having time to find the words made a difference. When we met again, they could choose what to share from what they’d written. Over time, the notes gave us a way to begin conversations that had been hard to start out loud.

 

What I do in the Room

When someone goes quiet, I don’t push. I might slow things down, offer a few possible words to try on, invite you to notice what’s happening in your body, or simply stay with you in the silence. If words aren’t working, we can try writing, drawing, or another route. You are always in control of how much we explore and how fast.

Gentle Reminders

  • You’re in control of how much to talk about. It’s okay to slow down or take breaks.

  • Feeling overwhelmed is a common response. You’re not doing it wrong.

  • Reframe “struggling to talk about feelings” as part of your healing, not a failure.

  • Therapy is about building safety and trust, one step at a time.

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